Late Night Musings

Well, it's 1:30 am. We've been in O'Donnell for about 2 weeks now, and I've had some time to settle in. I keep telling people how much I love it, how wonderful the people are, etc. It's not that I don't like being here, I just greatly miss my family and friends at home. It's different here. It's different being married, sharing everything with someone else. Not that I don't love my husband, of course. It's just so much change all at once. I was waiting for the anxiously and almost painfully all summer, but now that it's here, I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to do with all of it. We're here, they're excited, Casey is excited... I'm excited, but there's some baggage that I must deal with. Or at least, learn to endure. I never thought I'd be this far away from my family, and not that Casey isn't enough, I just miss them. 8 hours is quite a trip... And as much as I love the church members, there are so few people our age (1 couple) that it's going to be hard to make friends here. I don't have a job, and we've discussed that I should take my time and be settled in before I start looking, so it will be hard finding a social group in such a tiny town. Maybe I'm making this transition more difficult than it has to be, but that's what I do, right? ;)
I love my husband more than anything (next to God), but I don't even think he can understand what I'm feeling right now. So here goes another week, hopefully I'll finally get this house put together, all of the gifts unpacked, then it'll be more people-friendly again. I did learn one thing this week - men really don't clean the kitchen properly. I was sick, and still have 3x the cleaning to complete now that I'm better. Isn't it fun? :)
Well, that's this week's depressing moment. Hopefully I'll be in a mood to post more positively soon.

The Times, They are A-Changin'!

Whew! This year has been absolutely crazy!!

I looked back at my last post; I'm a little disappointed with myself. Regardless of my opinions of myself, I know that Casey is perfect for me, and I don't know why I was so scared. It's been perfect since we became engaged.

But after that, life has been a whirlwind of things! We're planning, trying to figure out where we'll be 6 months from now... It's all pretty overwhelming most of the time. The only thing that keeps me sane is the fact that I know God has a plan, and He is revealing it to us little by little. And it will be perfect, because it's His plan.


So, let's start with a wedding recap!

We are getting married on August 6, 2011, at 6:30 p.m. The ceremony will be at Central Baptist in Ponca City, with the reception in the Family Life Center.

Our colors are eggplant and pistachio, with silver accents where needed.
I have the most beautiful dress! It's absolutely perfect! I'm carrying purple lilies as well.
Casey is wearing a black tux with tails and a silver vest and tie.
The bridesmaids will be in eggplant chiffon dresses, and carry small bouquets of white and pistachio-colored roses.
The groomsmen will be in black tuxes with pistachio-colored vests and ties.

My Pastor, John Waterloo, will be officiating the ceremony. Casey's uncle, Gary Flynt, will also be speaking.

We've ordered the invitations and gotten a lot of decorations and stuff reserved as well!

I can't wait for this day! It's going to be amazing!


Now, other things...

After a lot of anxious waiting, Casey has finally heard back about some of the resumes he sent out. We visited First Baptist Church in O'Donnell Texas right before spring break. After a lot of talking and interviewing, they asked us to come back in view of a call on the spot! Right now, we're praying and talking about it, but we have scheduled to go back the weekend after graduation, May 14-16. In the meantime, Casey has been contacted by churches in Elk City, OK and Olney, TX. The only location that would allow me to get my music therapy degree is Elk City, because it is 30 minutes from Weatherford (SWOSU). Both O'Donnell and Olney are at least 2 hours from respective schools. Right now, we are leaning toward O'Donnell. We both feel like this is the place that God wants us, so we're looking very had at going there! Because it is 2.5 hours away from a school with music therapy, I would have to put that particular dream on hold. I will find a job somewhere in Lubbock or Lamesa, or possibly get another degree at Texas Tech. But, if that is God's will for us to be there, He will open other doors for me, and I have to hold tight onto that!

Otherwise, we are so close to graduation! The beginning of the semester was absolutely nuts, with our recital and everything else, but somehow God pulled us through it! Now we're getting ever closer!
I don't know what I will be doing this summer, other than wedding planning and hanging out with my family, my one last time living in our house as my true "home." It's so crazy to think that I am so close to being gone... that my home will not quite ever be the same. But, I'm also so excited to begin our lives together!

Much love and God Bless!

I'm Not Ready

Casey is going to propose next fall ... He has my ring picked out and everything. He didn't have to (I didn't ask), but he told me what it looks like, and it's perfect. Absolutely everything I want. He's really good to me.

But I'm not ready.

I'm selfish...petty......defensive...irrational...how could I think I'm ready to put someone else above myself all the time? I want to. More than anything. I love him. I'm excited about spending the rest of our lives together. I just don't think I'm capable of being able to constantly be as good to him as he is to me. He's so amazing. He's sweet and kind and caring and he loves me. He puts others before himself. Namely, me. I don't think it's possible for me to be as wonderful to him as he is to me. As hard as I try. How could I be ready to do that for the rest of our lives? But I still want to. I want to marry him. Tomorrow if I could. I'm just so unsure of my own temperament and abilities. I couldn't find a man better than Casey. I don't know why I'm so blessed and lucky.

Anniversary

Tomorrow is Casey and I's 2nd anniversary. Second! I absolutely can't believe it's been 2 years... it's crazy. But crazy good. I love him.

On a side note, it's spring break! Eeee! I'm so excited....no class....just rest. And the term paper I've been putting off... but it won't be bad. I can handle it. lol

Dates

Today is two years from Casey and I's first date. Pretty cool, huh? I think so at least.

I have found through the morning, however, that I am alone in that sentiment... yay...

I guess when you count from a different day, the other ones don't matter.

Well...that's all I've got for now. A little disappointed today.

Here's hoping it gets better! Even though I won't have a spare moment 'til bedtime... Which will probably be around midnight...yay again... The life of a music major. :)

"I'm mostly angry at myself..."

That’s what I’ve been telling myself all week. And it’s absolutely true. Sure, I could play the “blame game,” asking you why you didn’t stop when you felt wrong the whole time. But then again, I felt the same thing, so why didn’t I stop? I’m sure that’s why it wasn’t any fun…I knew it was wrong, so did you, so our time was wasted.

The problem is, though you’ve forgiven me, and I know God has, why can’t I forgive myself? I made a promise, I wear a PURITY ring, not a Promise ring, for a reason: purity is more than not having sex. It’s my thoughts, my attitudes; and then the things that I do. And the first time I’m tempted to break that promise, I do. I jump headfirst into sin right alongside you. That’s why I’m having trouble moving on. The images and feelings from that day keep popping into my head…and then I force them out, but not before that feeling of guilt comes rushing back into my heart.

That’s when I get unhappy again. And on whom do I take out that unhappiness? You guessed it: you. And it’s unfair of me to do so. Do you remember that time that Foshee, Jonathan, you and I were heading to the City? After we sang “99 Bottles of Pop,” we were talking, and Foshee and I discussed my slight tendency toward vindictiveness. It’s less being vindictive than it seems to be the opposite of the “golden rule.” Instead of treating others how I want them to treat me, I treat them how they’ve already treated me. If I feel ignored, I ignore right back. And things like that. Hence my lack of responsiveness this week. But the sad thing is, it’s not like you’re ignoring me on purpose, so I have no grounds on which to stand. But that’s still what my brain tells me to do. And then my heart hurts again.

I’m back to that feeling of being more expectant of not hearing from you than hearing from you. This time there aren’t even any excuses; it’s just a lack of contact. But I’m used to it. The less I expect, the less broken my heart gets. It’s a very cynical way of thinking. One I wish I could leave behind.

But I think the anger comes from something else: fear. With one decision, I became the “w ill you still respect me in the morning?” girl. No, we didn’t actually have sex, but I did things I swore I wouldn’t outside marriage. And the thing that frightens me is that, even though you promised you wouldn’t, I still fear that you will go look for someone who sticks to her convictions. Someone who is stronger in her walk with God. Someone worthy of being the wife of a music minister.

I don’t want to lose you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to be the one you come home to every evening, who has your dinner ready and your house clean, and then spend evenings just the two of us, enjoying and loving each other. The person you confide your deepest thoughts in. The person I can run to with my problems and you drop everything because I’m the most important person to you (that’s my bit of selfishness). I want to be the one supporting your endeavors in the church, in whatever else you do. I’ll go to New Mexico with you, we’ll get a hotel, you’ll fish at God-forsaken hours and I’ll get a good book or go shopping. And someday to be the mother of your children, who come running to the door to greet you when you come home each day.

I wish you could see. I wish you would tell me that you agree. I’m so scared that you don’t. That one day you’ll wake up and decide God says no to our future marriage. And then you will go to find that other person. But I believe in my heart of hearts that God prepared us for one another. He knows my faults, and yours, and created us to compliment each other. To follow His path together, and do whatever His will might be.

Tears and Fears

The only thing my head and my heart want to do now is cry. Why is it a theme for people to dismiss me as though I don't matter? I realize that I sound like a selfish, spoiled princess. I'm really not. At least, not as much as some. I just can't seem to be satisfied with where I am right now in my life. It's not so much the town...although I'm ready to get out...or the job...even though I intensely hate it...or even the fact that I miss people...my heart hurts. I don't know why I'm not happy. It's ridiculous. I mean, most of the time, I am happy. I love my family, boyfriend, friends...and they love me too. Maybe it's wrong of me to want to repay others' treatment of me in kind. I mean, if all of my text messages to a person are ignored, why do I keep responding to his? It's so very one-sided. And we don't get to talk on the phone every day, though I've made my opinion on that clear, but I can deal with every other day or so...but on the days when we always talk, or used to anyway, I hate getting yet another message with a reason he can't talk to me on the phone that night. I hate it! I've gotten to where I expect those more than I expect the phone calls. Sad, right? I got snoopy last time I visited him and was looking at his new phone, and read some of his messages...about just as many or more that were sent to/received from me were also sent to/received from this girl he went to high school with...He has mentioned it before and says she's just a kid friend, but when my guy's first question to a girl is "what are you wearing?", that makes me very uncomfortable. I mean, I wouldn't even want him to ask me that constantly, but for him to be like that with someone else...I just can't forget that conversation that I read...I hate it. 

I'm just so tired. I wish he would just figure it out, whichever direction he chooses. He's so "unsure" of where God is directing him. Especially when it comes to our relationship. I believe in my heart that we are supposed to get married. There is very little question. Except of course, when stuff like this is happening. He says that he doesn't know, that God hasn't told him yet. I don't think there's a true timeline that's right for everyone, but I believe that since God loves us, He wants us to be able to figure these things out before we're in a relationship for so long that we get attached and the parting hurts so much. He doesn't want to cause us pain. I just wish that he would get over the pressure from our friends, and get past the "only-child" raising that he got (which was decidedly spoiled) and just look to God for the answer. But I can't say that to him because that just scares him away...Gosh I'm going to cry again. Grr!

Ok, that's all I can dwell on right now. I sent him a letter last week....he probably won't reply on paper. He's not that kind of person. But maybe I will get up the nerve to tell him what I just wrote...

Frustration

So, my current living situation is not working out. It's been going this way since the beginning of the semester, but I just can't take it anymore. She's disrespectful, irresponsible, rude, and abrasive. She never stops complaining. It's just ridiculous. But do I have somewhere to live next year? NO. Because when I tried to bring up the idea of living with other people before the housing deadline, she actually had an asthma attack. I gave my roommate an asthma attack merely because she can't take care of herself and refuses to attempt to do so. She has no friends at OBU because she refuses to go find any. She has attached herself to me, and I can't get away. She even works where I do now. This is impossible. But, because of her rudeness and obstinate-ness, I am the one who must find a new place to live, and there isn't anywhere. If you can't tell, I am kind of ticked. Just a bit. Every time I come in my room I want to bite her head off because the world must revolve around her. LAME. Oh, and Micah and Erin decided they want to split from her and be put on the waiting list as a duo rather than an entire suite. So they're leaving her behind too. Ouch.
But hey, Casey will have an apartment next year, so I'll just go hang out there. The guys said that if I cook I can be there as much as I want! lol.
It's just not right, ya know? It shouldn't be my fault that she's such a b* sometimes. :(
But such is life. Here's to gearing up for some of the craziest weeks of my life!

Defense of a "Help-Meet"

Too often, when a woman says that she desires to be a "stay-at-home mom," she is scorned and considered to be a detriment to her sex. Women who think that getting a career and making something of themselves believe that those who don't are against forward motion.
I must say, I'm one of the farthest from a feminist that one will find. I am not against a woman having a career, but I am not one who intends to do so, and I am tired of defending my choice to others.
When God created man, he was alone; He said that it was not good for man to be alone, and created Eve to be a help-meet for Adam. Biblically, the woman is to support her husband, to be submissive to him, to love him as he loves her. I refuse to be apologetic for choosing to follow the model of marriage that God set up.
I don't really know in what direction my life is headed. I do know that God has called me to be a wife and mother, to stay at home, caring for my family, when that time comes. I'm not positive yet who will be my husband, but I do believe that he will be a minister of some sort, whether a pastor, youth minister, music minister...but I am preparing myself to the best of my ability to be the best minister's wife I can; to honor God in the way I live; to be an example to others if it is possible for me. This is my prayer, and I hope that anyone who might read this would pray for me as well.
Telling Casey this is one bit of concern for me...I am afraid that if I tell him, he would be scared away...even though there is nothing in my plan that eludes to him specifically. Telling a college-age guy, especially one at OBU, that my goal in life is to get married, is a huge deal...and definitely something that would scare him...

Dependency

I realized without doubt earlier that I am completely overly-dependent on my boyfriend for my happiness. I mean, obviously, I rely on God, but when Casey's gone? I get way more upset than I should be. He shouldn't be what makes me content all the time. I'm not sure exactly how I should fix this. Do I just make it my goal to make God first, as He already should be? Or should we take a little time and take things easy, because of the aforementioned reason. I'm really at a loss right now, and I don't know what to do.
I doubt anyone reads this, but if you do, help? Any advice (preferably based in God's teachings) that might help me?
Well, pray for us, and God Bless!

Rant

So, my "amazing" dorm has issues this year.
No internet.

NO HOT WATER.
I am very unhappy about these sudden developments.
Ok. That's my deal this week.
Though I did get to spend some one-on-one time with Casey this week.
It was great.
God Bless!

Back at OBU!

Whew! This week has been downright crazy, and we only had 3 days of classes! I am SOOOO glad that it is Labor Day weekend already! How sad is that man? I love being here, and I know I'm going to enjoy my classes, but it's going to be a ton of work this year! Civ will be interesting, I really like Dr. Powell and Dr. Cole already, so that'll be cool. I'm nervous about the crazy amount of work coming, but it's cool. I'm kind of worried about Intro to Church Music... I'm excited about the class, but I'm always afraid that I'm not going to be "as spiritual" as the person sitting next to me or something. I know that I a studying the field God wants me to, but I don't know where I'm going with it. EEK! Of course, I already knew that, it's just hitting home all the sudden. It'll be fun though. I think God will use this class to bring all of us much closer to Him, which I'm very excited about! That's my prayer, anyway. I've been doing much better this week about doing my quiet time! I know that shouldn't be a big accomplishment, but it kind of is for me. I know that it's what's required of me, but I don't do it. :(. I'll have to get much better about it this year, though, because we get to journal about it for Church Music! :S lol.
Ohhh! Dr. McQuade (my voice prof) said that if I keep singing the way I did for her yesterday, I can go to NATS!! That would be so awesome! It kind of makes me feel like I am getting somewhere with this whole voice thing. I feel like I struggle so much, and (like I said a few weeks ago) I'm just not used to it, but I'm trying and I'm trusting God, so here goes!

God Bless!

My Amazing Week

So, Casey's been visiting this week. I'm absolutely ecstatic! It's been so awesome having him here! He makes my heart happy. Well, that's all for now.
That, and I'm SUPER ready to be back at OBU!!
Love y'all and God Bless!

Saying "I'm Sorry"

...is something I do too often. Of course, let me clarify.
It's not that I intend to go around offending people. I absolutely hate coming across rudely to others. On top of that, of course, is what the New Testament states about offense. It's basically (my paraphrase) that if you do something that will cause your brother (mainly a Christian who is younger than you) to stumble (sin), then YOU yourself are in sin. But mainly I just really hate the idea of offending or generally causing grief to someone else.
But I can't go around all the time apologizing. It's ridiculous. For example, when I'm in the computer center, and all the computers are completely full, why should I feel so bad about having to inform a patron that there is no room for them? It's no one's fault, but I guess if you had to blame someone, it would be that patron's fault because they neither made an appointment nor came at a time when there was an open computer. I need to stop being so timid when it comes to stuff like that. Being a naturally quiet person is very different from being a meek little mouse who refuses to stand up for herself.
So that's my thought for the day. Ttyl! God bless!

Micah's Response to "Struggle"

So, after I sent Micah a copy of my last blog, she sent me this response. I almost cried! Well, I would have if I hadn't been at work (lol). It makes me even more glad that I am blessed to have her as a friend! So...:



Okay...you almost got me to cry...and you know that's a big deal! But I am speechless. Seriously, you know that I feel the same. I can't tell Kelly or Paige or my mom how much I deeply desire to be married (even though, if they asked, I would tell them).

I was actually just thinking last night: If I had to start planning a wedding RIGHT NOW, who would I choose as my Maid of Honor? Well Jacs (I hope you like your new nickname), I choose you! While my other friends are great and I know that they are there for me, none of them have shown the loyalty that you have shown me within the last year. If I need to be irrational and selfish for a few minutes, you let me...and then you snap me back to reality. You humor me and let me call you at crazy hours to let me cry to you that my boyfriend (should we really even call him that? It was 10 DAYS!) just broke up with me with the classic "Christian" excuse.

It's so funny that I was just thinking about the exact same stuff. While all of my other friends have been great through the years, none can compare to you, Jacqueline Marie. I love how when the things in my life get ridiculous (and ridiculous is the right terminology because I have never had as much drama in my life as I have with the past semester), you match my hysterical condition and then take it to the next level. You get angry FOR me, and I love it!

Maybe I just try to see too much of the good in people, but I cannot see you as the Jr. High girl who lashes out at her mother. That doesn't even fit the description of the Jaci that I know! But it helped make the Jaci that I know and love today. I wish you were here with me every second of every day so that I wouldn't have to call you with updates or send you Facebook messages. And I REALLY wish that I could just sit in "the chair" and all my problems would go away.

By the way, you are NEVER allowed to get rid of that chair because even when we are old, I will still barge into your room/house and sit in that chair and tell you what stupid thing some boy (husband? son?) has done.

By the way, I have been meaning to tell you how blessed you are to have Casey in your life. I know that we constantly tease him about being a tortoise, but trust me, it's WAY better than the hare. Think of it as a dance. Casey is taking his time to make this dance as memorable and beautiful as it should be, and I really hope you appreciate that. Enjoy every moment with him. He's the first guy that I have been truly okay with my friend dating. Paige and Jordan are good together, but there is something magical about seeing a couple who, above all, is trying to glorify God. If you two wrote a book on dating, I would buy it!

Anyways, I love you and am done with "Breaking Dawn" (omg! Go buy it!). So, call me, Facebook me, whatev.

Struggle

I am struggling. And I hate it. No seriously.
Hate.
I've never before struggled in anything. Everything in my life has come very easily to me. And I'm sick of having trouble with this.
"This" being music. Not that the music itself is hard. It's looking around at my classmates, who are all amazing, and wishing I were half as good as some of them. It frustrates me to no end not to be number one. And I know this is my pride and ego showing their ugly heads, and I'm working on it, but it's hard! My entire life, I have always been number one, in about everything. I've been top of my class since 1st grade, I've always been a "leader" (kind of) in the youth department...People have always come to me for advice. It's just hard to have to step back and say, "hey, I'm not perfect after all." Not that I've thought I was. But I was "better", in my mind, than so many of the people I spent time with. Now, I'm not amazing compared to the others. I'm just one of the crowd. I have to work at what I'm doing. And work hard. But I love it. I honestly can't imagine doing anything else. (Not that I know where my life is going exactly, but that's another blog for another time!)
As I type, I'm coming to realizations, so bear with me. As I was putting myself on this pedestal, I became more and more of an Elpheba (inside joke for a b****). I've been bossy, manipulative, and whatever else you can think of along that line. That's really the only way I can describe myself sometimes. To others, I've always been told that I was the perfection I made myself in to. I am an actress. I have been for a very long time. It has only been in recent months (ie. since going to OBU) that I have found a group of people with whom I can trust my SELF. The family and friends I've loved for most of my life love me, and are always there for me, but I've put such a show up for years...especially my early teens, when I was an absolute terror. After that, I felt like I had to keep up the persona. I couldn't show them the real me, or they'd get upset. Well, now, not only am I (much!) less afraid to be who God has created me, I am a different person. One who feels less ashamed of who she is in Him. I have changed in great ways, growing closer to Him. I am a much happier person that I was a year and a half ago.
I've seen the true love that God intended us to have one for another through the amazing people I've met this year at OBU. The past year has been life changing. The friends God has blessed me with have been wonderful, and I'm thankful that I have found people who love me for me, and I can be true with. I'm getting rather redundant here, but it's still the truth. As a matter of fact, I think I'll send this to my best friend. I think Miss Micah Reinhart deserves to hear how amazing she is.
That's all for now. Much love.
God bless anyone who reads this!
Let me know if you do, and maybe what you think!

T-S-A!

So, I'm sitting here at work, playing a game that I'm not supposed to. It's called Bubble Shooter, and while that's not relevent at all to anyone else, in the game, I occasionally have to use angled trajectories to get the little "bubbles" where I want them. I was thinking about these angles, and where I learned them, and it occured to me; I devoted 6 years of my life to an organization that will not impact my life one bit in the future.
Technology Student Association. TSA. I was heavily involved in this for so long. Almost a third of my so-far short life. Wow. And it really has nothing to do with my future. I am majoring in Church Music, planning on getting married (down the road) and being a full-time mom. And where does that leave all this random tech trivia? In the past.
But then I thought again. It wasn't all for naught. I loved every minute of it. I mean sure, we had our ups and downs, in events, in chapter affairs. And sure, I may have tried harder to get that State office than almost anything else, and ended up failing, but that didn't hurt me. I mean, it certainly sucked like crazy when it happened, but I kind of think it made me stronger. Failure is one of my deepest fears. But I did it. I failed, and got back up and tried it again. Until it was no longer my turn to try, and I had to step down for the "next generation" to go for it. Also in doing that, I became more prepared for the events I enjoyed, the Prepared Presentation, Extemporaneous Presentation, the design events. (I actually feel like this is starting to sound like a speech for one of those, truthfully! lol) And of course becoming more confident there has helped me in other areas of my life.
But of course that's not the most important part. The people I got to know, the ones I only saw from afar, the things I learned from these amazing people I feel privileged to get to call friends. Like the senior from Jay I met as a lowly 7th grader at my first national conference in Denver, feeling pretty lonely and lost because there were only 2 of us there, and he was much older and we hadn't really become friends yet then. She helped me figure things out, and we stayed in touch for quite a while. I don't know where she is now, but I still keep her in my prayers. And my amazing Shay, who is still one of my closest friends even though we've never lived near each other and hardly get to spend time together! I loved getting to know the officer teams from each year, seeing the dynamic in their bond.

I can't really imagine my high school years without these memories. Sadly that's all there are now, but they are so important to me, and I will never forget it all. haha Like after the Transportation Security Administration was formed, and we walked through airports gettin funny looks because we were kids and had "TSA" on our polos and the tags on our suitcases. We thought it was pretty lame that they stole the name we'd used for 25 years!
It was quite a ride, those years, but it was great. And I thank God for it.

A Letter to Casey #2

June 25, 2008
C,
I guess the one letter I wrote may become a series. Lately I've been doing some thinking. Don't worry, it's all good!
I still miss you like crazy. I miss your voice, your smile, even your putting french fries in my drink in the ARA. Well...maybe not that. ;) But you know what? I'm kind of becoming more and more okay with it. Not that I'll ever like being away from you, but I'm learning how to deal with it.
Sometimes I'm afraid that I'll become one of those annoying, clingy girlfriends. Or one of those overly bossy, pushy ones. I can tell you've experienced that. I don't always... scratch that; don't usually know what I'm doing. You're my first boyfriend. (I really don't count junior high...) And I guess my first love. I love holding your hand; just sitting next to you in class gives me butterflies. You make my heart happy. So, like I said, I'm at a loss for how things are "supposed" to go, but I think I'm okay with that. Kind of. Because of that, maybe sometimes I'm putting too much on you? There are some things I think the guy should do; say "I love you" first, initiate a first kiss, that sort of thing, but a relationship is a partnership. I mean, no we aren't married, but it's still 2 people working as one.
Sunday, Pastor talked about patience, and it was exactly what I needed, Praise God! I know people would say that being so upset over missing you is silly, but it's real to me, and that's really all that matters. Bit I've been ignoring an important fact: I still have God. No matter what. I should be drawing closer to Him anyway, but if He's to be the center of us, it's all the more important! So, that's my mission this summer.
Another part of the patience thing is about you and where we are going. We joke about how "slowly" you move things forward. And I admit, sometimes it's been frustrating. Especially after watching Drew and Micah move so quickly. But that shattered, and I thank God for you even more. The night you and Drew had a "talk", I had just talked to him, and I was sitting there crying because I didn't feel like we were where we should have been at that time. He was actually afraid I was going to break up with you! Of course not! I still wonder why God blessed me with a man as wonderful as you. <3)
Well, that's all for tonight. Love you!

the Names of God

Yahweh / Y H W H ~ LORD

Jehovah ~ LORD

Jehovah-Jireh ~ The Lord Will Provide

Jehovah-Rophe ~ The Lord Who Heals

Jehovah-Nissi ~ The Lord my Banner

Jehovah-Shalom ~ The Lord is Peace

Jehovah-Tsuri ~ The Lord is My Rock

Jehovah-Roi ~ The Lord is My Shepherd

Jehovah-Shammah ~ The Lord is There

Jehovah-Tsidkenu ~ The Lord our Righteousness

El ~ GOD

El Elyon ~ God Most High

Elohim ~ Mighty Creator

El Roi ~ the God Who Sees

El Shaddai ~ God Almighty

El Olam ~ The Everlasting God

Abba ~ Father

Adonai ~ Master

Adonai Elohai ~ The Lord my God

Adonia Avinu ~ The Lord our Father

Esh Oklah ~ Consuming Fire

Ehyeh asher Ehyeh ~ I Am That I Am


These are only the ones I could find. Isn't it amazing that He is everything we could want or need??? He's our rock and fulfillment, our safety and the God who LOVES us no matter what. Food for thought. :)

A Letter to Casey

June 19, 2008
Babe,
Every once in a while, I wish I were amazingly eloquent and able to write these beautiful notes or songs that I read from other people.
I miss you. More than you could think. Sometimes so much it hurts. These 8 o'clock hours in the library almost kill me because I've been sitting, thinking for too long, and my mind constantly comes back to you. Sometimes it's like you're not even real. I love our conversations, but I can't always see your face clearly in my head, or hear your voice. But when I'm trying to fall asleep at night, I can almost feel your hand in mine or your arms around me, in a hug like that long one the day before we left OBU. It's then I can remember just how much I love you, and why I can't...no, why I don't want to imagine my life without you anymore. The little things, putting your hand on my back in Walmart, like you're saying "yeah, you're mine", and the sweet things you say, that make me fall more and more for you every day.
Sometimes I miss the "old" days though. The flirty messages on facebook, and the uber-nervous feeling I got the day you came to pick me up for our first date. I doubt I'll ever forget that, by the way. Chili's. Dan in Real Life, AND a Rainbow cinnamon roll. And you. The most perfect evening I could imagine. I still get those butterflies sometimes, when you're looking at me and I have no idea what you're thinking. I wish, sometimes, when you are sitting there looking into my eyes, that you would just kiss me. Put your arms around me like you never want to let go.
ily ♥
Right now, thinking about all the reasons why, you are more real to me than ever. You are amazing. You are a man intent on following God. You understand me. You know when something's not right. You care. I feel like I could tell you basically anything. But then again, I can't. I feel like we don't talk about the "big" things. God is supposed to be the center of our relationship, so talking about Him should be easy, right? So why don't we do it? I pray that we can get to a point where it is easy to talk about spiritual things with one another. I'm definitely partly to blame. I don't necessarily bring it up because I don't know as much as I should for having been saved for 6 years. That makes sense, right? I really hope so.
The future is another thing. I'm not saying we should get married tomorrow, neither of us is ready, but I "feel" like God is saying that you are the one He says I'm going to spend the rest of my life loving and serving as the wife to. You are going to be a minister, of sorts, not preaching from the pulpit, but an essential part of the worship of God. God has called me to be the wife of a minister, and is preparing me to be that, a (in the works!) godly woman who follows her husband wherever God calls him. I can see us married. I know it's too soon and all, but I can see God providing a way. You're going to Seminary after OBU, and I'd either do a Women's Studies program, or get my Master's in Vocal Pedagogy. Either way, I'd be with you supporting you.

Love you,
Jaci♥