Late Night Musings

Well, it's 1:30 am. We've been in O'Donnell for about 2 weeks now, and I've had some time to settle in. I keep telling people how much I love it, how wonderful the people are, etc. It's not that I don't like being here, I just greatly miss my family and friends at home. It's different here. It's different being married, sharing everything with someone else. Not that I don't love my husband, of course. It's just so much change all at once. I was waiting for the anxiously and almost painfully all summer, but now that it's here, I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to do with all of it. We're here, they're excited, Casey is excited... I'm excited, but there's some baggage that I must deal with. Or at least, learn to endure. I never thought I'd be this far away from my family, and not that Casey isn't enough, I just miss them. 8 hours is quite a trip... And as much as I love the church members, there are so few people our age (1 couple) that it's going to be hard to make friends here. I don't have a job, and we've discussed that I should take my time and be settled in before I start looking, so it will be hard finding a social group in such a tiny town. Maybe I'm making this transition more difficult than it has to be, but that's what I do, right? ;)
I love my husband more than anything (next to God), but I don't even think he can understand what I'm feeling right now. So here goes another week, hopefully I'll finally get this house put together, all of the gifts unpacked, then it'll be more people-friendly again. I did learn one thing this week - men really don't clean the kitchen properly. I was sick, and still have 3x the cleaning to complete now that I'm better. Isn't it fun? :)
Well, that's this week's depressing moment. Hopefully I'll be in a mood to post more positively soon.

The Times, They are A-Changin'!

Whew! This year has been absolutely crazy!!

I looked back at my last post; I'm a little disappointed with myself. Regardless of my opinions of myself, I know that Casey is perfect for me, and I don't know why I was so scared. It's been perfect since we became engaged.

But after that, life has been a whirlwind of things! We're planning, trying to figure out where we'll be 6 months from now... It's all pretty overwhelming most of the time. The only thing that keeps me sane is the fact that I know God has a plan, and He is revealing it to us little by little. And it will be perfect, because it's His plan.


So, let's start with a wedding recap!

We are getting married on August 6, 2011, at 6:30 p.m. The ceremony will be at Central Baptist in Ponca City, with the reception in the Family Life Center.

Our colors are eggplant and pistachio, with silver accents where needed.
I have the most beautiful dress! It's absolutely perfect! I'm carrying purple lilies as well.
Casey is wearing a black tux with tails and a silver vest and tie.
The bridesmaids will be in eggplant chiffon dresses, and carry small bouquets of white and pistachio-colored roses.
The groomsmen will be in black tuxes with pistachio-colored vests and ties.

My Pastor, John Waterloo, will be officiating the ceremony. Casey's uncle, Gary Flynt, will also be speaking.

We've ordered the invitations and gotten a lot of decorations and stuff reserved as well!

I can't wait for this day! It's going to be amazing!


Now, other things...

After a lot of anxious waiting, Casey has finally heard back about some of the resumes he sent out. We visited First Baptist Church in O'Donnell Texas right before spring break. After a lot of talking and interviewing, they asked us to come back in view of a call on the spot! Right now, we're praying and talking about it, but we have scheduled to go back the weekend after graduation, May 14-16. In the meantime, Casey has been contacted by churches in Elk City, OK and Olney, TX. The only location that would allow me to get my music therapy degree is Elk City, because it is 30 minutes from Weatherford (SWOSU). Both O'Donnell and Olney are at least 2 hours from respective schools. Right now, we are leaning toward O'Donnell. We both feel like this is the place that God wants us, so we're looking very had at going there! Because it is 2.5 hours away from a school with music therapy, I would have to put that particular dream on hold. I will find a job somewhere in Lubbock or Lamesa, or possibly get another degree at Texas Tech. But, if that is God's will for us to be there, He will open other doors for me, and I have to hold tight onto that!

Otherwise, we are so close to graduation! The beginning of the semester was absolutely nuts, with our recital and everything else, but somehow God pulled us through it! Now we're getting ever closer!
I don't know what I will be doing this summer, other than wedding planning and hanging out with my family, my one last time living in our house as my true "home." It's so crazy to think that I am so close to being gone... that my home will not quite ever be the same. But, I'm also so excited to begin our lives together!

Much love and God Bless!

I'm Not Ready

Casey is going to propose next fall ... He has my ring picked out and everything. He didn't have to (I didn't ask), but he told me what it looks like, and it's perfect. Absolutely everything I want. He's really good to me.

But I'm not ready.

I'm selfish...petty......defensive...irrational...how could I think I'm ready to put someone else above myself all the time? I want to. More than anything. I love him. I'm excited about spending the rest of our lives together. I just don't think I'm capable of being able to constantly be as good to him as he is to me. He's so amazing. He's sweet and kind and caring and he loves me. He puts others before himself. Namely, me. I don't think it's possible for me to be as wonderful to him as he is to me. As hard as I try. How could I be ready to do that for the rest of our lives? But I still want to. I want to marry him. Tomorrow if I could. I'm just so unsure of my own temperament and abilities. I couldn't find a man better than Casey. I don't know why I'm so blessed and lucky.

Anniversary

Tomorrow is Casey and I's 2nd anniversary. Second! I absolutely can't believe it's been 2 years... it's crazy. But crazy good. I love him.

On a side note, it's spring break! Eeee! I'm so excited....no class....just rest. And the term paper I've been putting off... but it won't be bad. I can handle it. lol

Dates

Today is two years from Casey and I's first date. Pretty cool, huh? I think so at least.

I have found through the morning, however, that I am alone in that sentiment... yay...

I guess when you count from a different day, the other ones don't matter.

Well...that's all I've got for now. A little disappointed today.

Here's hoping it gets better! Even though I won't have a spare moment 'til bedtime... Which will probably be around midnight...yay again... The life of a music major. :)

"I'm mostly angry at myself..."

That’s what I’ve been telling myself all week. And it’s absolutely true. Sure, I could play the “blame game,” asking you why you didn’t stop when you felt wrong the whole time. But then again, I felt the same thing, so why didn’t I stop? I’m sure that’s why it wasn’t any fun…I knew it was wrong, so did you, so our time was wasted.

The problem is, though you’ve forgiven me, and I know God has, why can’t I forgive myself? I made a promise, I wear a PURITY ring, not a Promise ring, for a reason: purity is more than not having sex. It’s my thoughts, my attitudes; and then the things that I do. And the first time I’m tempted to break that promise, I do. I jump headfirst into sin right alongside you. That’s why I’m having trouble moving on. The images and feelings from that day keep popping into my head…and then I force them out, but not before that feeling of guilt comes rushing back into my heart.

That’s when I get unhappy again. And on whom do I take out that unhappiness? You guessed it: you. And it’s unfair of me to do so. Do you remember that time that Foshee, Jonathan, you and I were heading to the City? After we sang “99 Bottles of Pop,” we were talking, and Foshee and I discussed my slight tendency toward vindictiveness. It’s less being vindictive than it seems to be the opposite of the “golden rule.” Instead of treating others how I want them to treat me, I treat them how they’ve already treated me. If I feel ignored, I ignore right back. And things like that. Hence my lack of responsiveness this week. But the sad thing is, it’s not like you’re ignoring me on purpose, so I have no grounds on which to stand. But that’s still what my brain tells me to do. And then my heart hurts again.

I’m back to that feeling of being more expectant of not hearing from you than hearing from you. This time there aren’t even any excuses; it’s just a lack of contact. But I’m used to it. The less I expect, the less broken my heart gets. It’s a very cynical way of thinking. One I wish I could leave behind.

But I think the anger comes from something else: fear. With one decision, I became the “w ill you still respect me in the morning?” girl. No, we didn’t actually have sex, but I did things I swore I wouldn’t outside marriage. And the thing that frightens me is that, even though you promised you wouldn’t, I still fear that you will go look for someone who sticks to her convictions. Someone who is stronger in her walk with God. Someone worthy of being the wife of a music minister.

I don’t want to lose you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to be the one you come home to every evening, who has your dinner ready and your house clean, and then spend evenings just the two of us, enjoying and loving each other. The person you confide your deepest thoughts in. The person I can run to with my problems and you drop everything because I’m the most important person to you (that’s my bit of selfishness). I want to be the one supporting your endeavors in the church, in whatever else you do. I’ll go to New Mexico with you, we’ll get a hotel, you’ll fish at God-forsaken hours and I’ll get a good book or go shopping. And someday to be the mother of your children, who come running to the door to greet you when you come home each day.

I wish you could see. I wish you would tell me that you agree. I’m so scared that you don’t. That one day you’ll wake up and decide God says no to our future marriage. And then you will go to find that other person. But I believe in my heart of hearts that God prepared us for one another. He knows my faults, and yours, and created us to compliment each other. To follow His path together, and do whatever His will might be.

Tears and Fears

The only thing my head and my heart want to do now is cry. Why is it a theme for people to dismiss me as though I don't matter? I realize that I sound like a selfish, spoiled princess. I'm really not. At least, not as much as some. I just can't seem to be satisfied with where I am right now in my life. It's not so much the town...although I'm ready to get out...or the job...even though I intensely hate it...or even the fact that I miss people...my heart hurts. I don't know why I'm not happy. It's ridiculous. I mean, most of the time, I am happy. I love my family, boyfriend, friends...and they love me too. Maybe it's wrong of me to want to repay others' treatment of me in kind. I mean, if all of my text messages to a person are ignored, why do I keep responding to his? It's so very one-sided. And we don't get to talk on the phone every day, though I've made my opinion on that clear, but I can deal with every other day or so...but on the days when we always talk, or used to anyway, I hate getting yet another message with a reason he can't talk to me on the phone that night. I hate it! I've gotten to where I expect those more than I expect the phone calls. Sad, right? I got snoopy last time I visited him and was looking at his new phone, and read some of his messages...about just as many or more that were sent to/received from me were also sent to/received from this girl he went to high school with...He has mentioned it before and says she's just a kid friend, but when my guy's first question to a girl is "what are you wearing?", that makes me very uncomfortable. I mean, I wouldn't even want him to ask me that constantly, but for him to be like that with someone else...I just can't forget that conversation that I read...I hate it. 

I'm just so tired. I wish he would just figure it out, whichever direction he chooses. He's so "unsure" of where God is directing him. Especially when it comes to our relationship. I believe in my heart that we are supposed to get married. There is very little question. Except of course, when stuff like this is happening. He says that he doesn't know, that God hasn't told him yet. I don't think there's a true timeline that's right for everyone, but I believe that since God loves us, He wants us to be able to figure these things out before we're in a relationship for so long that we get attached and the parting hurts so much. He doesn't want to cause us pain. I just wish that he would get over the pressure from our friends, and get past the "only-child" raising that he got (which was decidedly spoiled) and just look to God for the answer. But I can't say that to him because that just scares him away...Gosh I'm going to cry again. Grr!

Ok, that's all I can dwell on right now. I sent him a letter last week....he probably won't reply on paper. He's not that kind of person. But maybe I will get up the nerve to tell him what I just wrote...