The only thing my head and my heart want to do now is cry. Why is it a theme for people to dismiss me as though I don't matter? I realize that I sound like a selfish, spoiled princess. I'm really not. At least, not as much as some. I just can't seem to be satisfied with where I am right now in my life. It's not so much the town...although I'm ready to get out...or the job...even though I intensely hate it...or even the fact that I miss people...my heart hurts. I don't know why I'm not happy. It's ridiculous. I mean, most of the time, I am happy. I love my family, boyfriend, friends...and they love me too. Maybe it's wrong of me to want to repay others' treatment of me in kind. I mean, if all of my text messages to a person are ignored, why do I keep responding to his? It's so very one-sided. And we don't get to talk on the phone every day, though I've made my opinion on that clear, but I can deal with every other day or so...but on the days when we always talk, or used to anyway, I hate getting yet another message with a reason he can't talk to me on the phone that night. I hate it! I've gotten to where I expect those more than I expect the phone calls. Sad, right? I got snoopy last time I visited him and was looking at his new phone, and read some of his messages...about just as many or more that were sent to/received from me were also sent to/received from this girl he went to high school with...He has mentioned it before and says she's just a kid friend, but when my guy's first question to a girl is "what are you wearing?", that makes me very uncomfortable. I mean, I wouldn't even want him to ask me that constantly, but for him to be like that with someone else...I just can't forget that conversation that I read...I hate it.
I'm just so tired. I wish he would just figure it out, whichever direction he chooses. He's so "unsure" of where God is directing him. Especially when it comes to our relationship. I believe in my heart that we are supposed to get married. There is very little question. Except of course, when stuff like this is happening. He says that he doesn't know, that God hasn't told him yet. I don't think there's a true timeline that's right for everyone, but I believe that since God loves us, He wants us to be able to figure these things out before we're in a relationship for so long that we get attached and the parting hurts so much. He doesn't want to cause us pain. I just wish that he would get over the pressure from our friends, and get past the "only-child" raising that he got (which was decidedly spoiled) and just look to God for the answer. But I can't say that to him because that just scares him away...Gosh I'm going to cry again. Grr!
Ok, that's all I can dwell on right now. I sent him a letter last week....he probably won't reply on paper. He's not that kind of person. But maybe I will get up the nerve to tell him what I just wrote...
No comments:
Post a Comment