Dates

Today is two years from Casey and I's first date. Pretty cool, huh? I think so at least.

I have found through the morning, however, that I am alone in that sentiment... yay...

I guess when you count from a different day, the other ones don't matter.

Well...that's all I've got for now. A little disappointed today.

Here's hoping it gets better! Even though I won't have a spare moment 'til bedtime... Which will probably be around midnight...yay again... The life of a music major. :)

"I'm mostly angry at myself..."

That’s what I’ve been telling myself all week. And it’s absolutely true. Sure, I could play the “blame game,” asking you why you didn’t stop when you felt wrong the whole time. But then again, I felt the same thing, so why didn’t I stop? I’m sure that’s why it wasn’t any fun…I knew it was wrong, so did you, so our time was wasted.

The problem is, though you’ve forgiven me, and I know God has, why can’t I forgive myself? I made a promise, I wear a PURITY ring, not a Promise ring, for a reason: purity is more than not having sex. It’s my thoughts, my attitudes; and then the things that I do. And the first time I’m tempted to break that promise, I do. I jump headfirst into sin right alongside you. That’s why I’m having trouble moving on. The images and feelings from that day keep popping into my head…and then I force them out, but not before that feeling of guilt comes rushing back into my heart.

That’s when I get unhappy again. And on whom do I take out that unhappiness? You guessed it: you. And it’s unfair of me to do so. Do you remember that time that Foshee, Jonathan, you and I were heading to the City? After we sang “99 Bottles of Pop,” we were talking, and Foshee and I discussed my slight tendency toward vindictiveness. It’s less being vindictive than it seems to be the opposite of the “golden rule.” Instead of treating others how I want them to treat me, I treat them how they’ve already treated me. If I feel ignored, I ignore right back. And things like that. Hence my lack of responsiveness this week. But the sad thing is, it’s not like you’re ignoring me on purpose, so I have no grounds on which to stand. But that’s still what my brain tells me to do. And then my heart hurts again.

I’m back to that feeling of being more expectant of not hearing from you than hearing from you. This time there aren’t even any excuses; it’s just a lack of contact. But I’m used to it. The less I expect, the less broken my heart gets. It’s a very cynical way of thinking. One I wish I could leave behind.

But I think the anger comes from something else: fear. With one decision, I became the “w ill you still respect me in the morning?” girl. No, we didn’t actually have sex, but I did things I swore I wouldn’t outside marriage. And the thing that frightens me is that, even though you promised you wouldn’t, I still fear that you will go look for someone who sticks to her convictions. Someone who is stronger in her walk with God. Someone worthy of being the wife of a music minister.

I don’t want to lose you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to be the one you come home to every evening, who has your dinner ready and your house clean, and then spend evenings just the two of us, enjoying and loving each other. The person you confide your deepest thoughts in. The person I can run to with my problems and you drop everything because I’m the most important person to you (that’s my bit of selfishness). I want to be the one supporting your endeavors in the church, in whatever else you do. I’ll go to New Mexico with you, we’ll get a hotel, you’ll fish at God-forsaken hours and I’ll get a good book or go shopping. And someday to be the mother of your children, who come running to the door to greet you when you come home each day.

I wish you could see. I wish you would tell me that you agree. I’m so scared that you don’t. That one day you’ll wake up and decide God says no to our future marriage. And then you will go to find that other person. But I believe in my heart of hearts that God prepared us for one another. He knows my faults, and yours, and created us to compliment each other. To follow His path together, and do whatever His will might be.

Tears and Fears

The only thing my head and my heart want to do now is cry. Why is it a theme for people to dismiss me as though I don't matter? I realize that I sound like a selfish, spoiled princess. I'm really not. At least, not as much as some. I just can't seem to be satisfied with where I am right now in my life. It's not so much the town...although I'm ready to get out...or the job...even though I intensely hate it...or even the fact that I miss people...my heart hurts. I don't know why I'm not happy. It's ridiculous. I mean, most of the time, I am happy. I love my family, boyfriend, friends...and they love me too. Maybe it's wrong of me to want to repay others' treatment of me in kind. I mean, if all of my text messages to a person are ignored, why do I keep responding to his? It's so very one-sided. And we don't get to talk on the phone every day, though I've made my opinion on that clear, but I can deal with every other day or so...but on the days when we always talk, or used to anyway, I hate getting yet another message with a reason he can't talk to me on the phone that night. I hate it! I've gotten to where I expect those more than I expect the phone calls. Sad, right? I got snoopy last time I visited him and was looking at his new phone, and read some of his messages...about just as many or more that were sent to/received from me were also sent to/received from this girl he went to high school with...He has mentioned it before and says she's just a kid friend, but when my guy's first question to a girl is "what are you wearing?", that makes me very uncomfortable. I mean, I wouldn't even want him to ask me that constantly, but for him to be like that with someone else...I just can't forget that conversation that I read...I hate it. 

I'm just so tired. I wish he would just figure it out, whichever direction he chooses. He's so "unsure" of where God is directing him. Especially when it comes to our relationship. I believe in my heart that we are supposed to get married. There is very little question. Except of course, when stuff like this is happening. He says that he doesn't know, that God hasn't told him yet. I don't think there's a true timeline that's right for everyone, but I believe that since God loves us, He wants us to be able to figure these things out before we're in a relationship for so long that we get attached and the parting hurts so much. He doesn't want to cause us pain. I just wish that he would get over the pressure from our friends, and get past the "only-child" raising that he got (which was decidedly spoiled) and just look to God for the answer. But I can't say that to him because that just scares him away...Gosh I'm going to cry again. Grr!

Ok, that's all I can dwell on right now. I sent him a letter last week....he probably won't reply on paper. He's not that kind of person. But maybe I will get up the nerve to tell him what I just wrote...

Frustration

So, my current living situation is not working out. It's been going this way since the beginning of the semester, but I just can't take it anymore. She's disrespectful, irresponsible, rude, and abrasive. She never stops complaining. It's just ridiculous. But do I have somewhere to live next year? NO. Because when I tried to bring up the idea of living with other people before the housing deadline, she actually had an asthma attack. I gave my roommate an asthma attack merely because she can't take care of herself and refuses to attempt to do so. She has no friends at OBU because she refuses to go find any. She has attached herself to me, and I can't get away. She even works where I do now. This is impossible. But, because of her rudeness and obstinate-ness, I am the one who must find a new place to live, and there isn't anywhere. If you can't tell, I am kind of ticked. Just a bit. Every time I come in my room I want to bite her head off because the world must revolve around her. LAME. Oh, and Micah and Erin decided they want to split from her and be put on the waiting list as a duo rather than an entire suite. So they're leaving her behind too. Ouch.
But hey, Casey will have an apartment next year, so I'll just go hang out there. The guys said that if I cook I can be there as much as I want! lol.
It's just not right, ya know? It shouldn't be my fault that she's such a b* sometimes. :(
But such is life. Here's to gearing up for some of the craziest weeks of my life!

Defense of a "Help-Meet"

Too often, when a woman says that she desires to be a "stay-at-home mom," she is scorned and considered to be a detriment to her sex. Women who think that getting a career and making something of themselves believe that those who don't are against forward motion.
I must say, I'm one of the farthest from a feminist that one will find. I am not against a woman having a career, but I am not one who intends to do so, and I am tired of defending my choice to others.
When God created man, he was alone; He said that it was not good for man to be alone, and created Eve to be a help-meet for Adam. Biblically, the woman is to support her husband, to be submissive to him, to love him as he loves her. I refuse to be apologetic for choosing to follow the model of marriage that God set up.
I don't really know in what direction my life is headed. I do know that God has called me to be a wife and mother, to stay at home, caring for my family, when that time comes. I'm not positive yet who will be my husband, but I do believe that he will be a minister of some sort, whether a pastor, youth minister, music minister...but I am preparing myself to the best of my ability to be the best minister's wife I can; to honor God in the way I live; to be an example to others if it is possible for me. This is my prayer, and I hope that anyone who might read this would pray for me as well.
Telling Casey this is one bit of concern for me...I am afraid that if I tell him, he would be scared away...even though there is nothing in my plan that eludes to him specifically. Telling a college-age guy, especially one at OBU, that my goal in life is to get married, is a huge deal...and definitely something that would scare him...