Struggle

I am struggling. And I hate it. No seriously.
Hate.
I've never before struggled in anything. Everything in my life has come very easily to me. And I'm sick of having trouble with this.
"This" being music. Not that the music itself is hard. It's looking around at my classmates, who are all amazing, and wishing I were half as good as some of them. It frustrates me to no end not to be number one. And I know this is my pride and ego showing their ugly heads, and I'm working on it, but it's hard! My entire life, I have always been number one, in about everything. I've been top of my class since 1st grade, I've always been a "leader" (kind of) in the youth department...People have always come to me for advice. It's just hard to have to step back and say, "hey, I'm not perfect after all." Not that I've thought I was. But I was "better", in my mind, than so many of the people I spent time with. Now, I'm not amazing compared to the others. I'm just one of the crowd. I have to work at what I'm doing. And work hard. But I love it. I honestly can't imagine doing anything else. (Not that I know where my life is going exactly, but that's another blog for another time!)
As I type, I'm coming to realizations, so bear with me. As I was putting myself on this pedestal, I became more and more of an Elpheba (inside joke for a b****). I've been bossy, manipulative, and whatever else you can think of along that line. That's really the only way I can describe myself sometimes. To others, I've always been told that I was the perfection I made myself in to. I am an actress. I have been for a very long time. It has only been in recent months (ie. since going to OBU) that I have found a group of people with whom I can trust my SELF. The family and friends I've loved for most of my life love me, and are always there for me, but I've put such a show up for years...especially my early teens, when I was an absolute terror. After that, I felt like I had to keep up the persona. I couldn't show them the real me, or they'd get upset. Well, now, not only am I (much!) less afraid to be who God has created me, I am a different person. One who feels less ashamed of who she is in Him. I have changed in great ways, growing closer to Him. I am a much happier person that I was a year and a half ago.
I've seen the true love that God intended us to have one for another through the amazing people I've met this year at OBU. The past year has been life changing. The friends God has blessed me with have been wonderful, and I'm thankful that I have found people who love me for me, and I can be true with. I'm getting rather redundant here, but it's still the truth. As a matter of fact, I think I'll send this to my best friend. I think Miss Micah Reinhart deserves to hear how amazing she is.
That's all for now. Much love.
God bless anyone who reads this!
Let me know if you do, and maybe what you think!