A Letter to Casey

June 19, 2008
Babe,
Every once in a while, I wish I were amazingly eloquent and able to write these beautiful notes or songs that I read from other people.
I miss you. More than you could think. Sometimes so much it hurts. These 8 o'clock hours in the library almost kill me because I've been sitting, thinking for too long, and my mind constantly comes back to you. Sometimes it's like you're not even real. I love our conversations, but I can't always see your face clearly in my head, or hear your voice. But when I'm trying to fall asleep at night, I can almost feel your hand in mine or your arms around me, in a hug like that long one the day before we left OBU. It's then I can remember just how much I love you, and why I can't...no, why I don't want to imagine my life without you anymore. The little things, putting your hand on my back in Walmart, like you're saying "yeah, you're mine", and the sweet things you say, that make me fall more and more for you every day.
Sometimes I miss the "old" days though. The flirty messages on facebook, and the uber-nervous feeling I got the day you came to pick me up for our first date. I doubt I'll ever forget that, by the way. Chili's. Dan in Real Life, AND a Rainbow cinnamon roll. And you. The most perfect evening I could imagine. I still get those butterflies sometimes, when you're looking at me and I have no idea what you're thinking. I wish, sometimes, when you are sitting there looking into my eyes, that you would just kiss me. Put your arms around me like you never want to let go.
ily ♥
Right now, thinking about all the reasons why, you are more real to me than ever. You are amazing. You are a man intent on following God. You understand me. You know when something's not right. You care. I feel like I could tell you basically anything. But then again, I can't. I feel like we don't talk about the "big" things. God is supposed to be the center of our relationship, so talking about Him should be easy, right? So why don't we do it? I pray that we can get to a point where it is easy to talk about spiritual things with one another. I'm definitely partly to blame. I don't necessarily bring it up because I don't know as much as I should for having been saved for 6 years. That makes sense, right? I really hope so.
The future is another thing. I'm not saying we should get married tomorrow, neither of us is ready, but I "feel" like God is saying that you are the one He says I'm going to spend the rest of my life loving and serving as the wife to. You are going to be a minister, of sorts, not preaching from the pulpit, but an essential part of the worship of God. God has called me to be the wife of a minister, and is preparing me to be that, a (in the works!) godly woman who follows her husband wherever God calls him. I can see us married. I know it's too soon and all, but I can see God providing a way. You're going to Seminary after OBU, and I'd either do a Women's Studies program, or get my Master's in Vocal Pedagogy. Either way, I'd be with you supporting you.

Love you,
Jaci♥